I'm feeling a bit rubbish

So not much blogging going on.

On the plus side, as from 5.30 this evening I have 11 days off work for Christmas.

I am hopeful that this will make me feel much better and I shall bounce into 2010 with a spring in my step and feel much happier.

Merry Christmas everyone. xx

2 posts in a day! Whatever next?

Do you ever have a hard time deciding who you want to be? rather than just being you and doing it?

Like I want to learn and do new things, which I see as parts of a new me because they are new and will make me who I will become once I have learnt them!

Making sense?

Nope didn't think so!

There are just so many things I want to do, and therefore become, that I'm a little confused at where to start.

This is where my impatience kicks in again. I want them all now, I want to be fabulous at everything, but with as little effort from me as possible.

Now that just never going to happen, I know this, you know this we all know this. But my brain does not want to take any notice of it, and wants things its way! Its not going to happen that way... cue crossing arms, pouting lips and frowning.

'Why not'

'just because ok, just because!"

'humph'

So what to do? slap myself round the face and get on with things.

Or, curl up in a ball, under the furry blanket, sulk, feel sorry for myself, sulk some more, possibly eat some chocolate, definitely eat some biscuits, with a cup of tea. Until finally I get fed up of sulking and nothing happening so I slap myself round the face and get on with things. For a week at least, until the same thing happens all over again...

Tea and biscuits anyone?

Dazed and Confused

It seems to me that most bloggers, or at least the writers on the ones I read, really do seem to have stuff sorted!

They know who they are, what they like, and generally what direction they want their lives to take, and are happily on that road. Of course there are a few bumps and potholes along the way, but generally they are heading in the direction they want to be.

I on the other hand, feel like I am stuck at spaghetti junction, have just been hit by a rather large truck, and am sitting on the side of the road with a map that seems to be in some alien language. Completely confused, completely bewildered and with a horrible headache!

Oh and the weather is bad so its a bit foggy too!

(ok the headache is a development of today, and the being hit by a truck is the cold I seem to be developing despite all my best efforts to make it go away!)

Now perhaps this is actually how everyone feels, others are just really good at hiding it, where as I just stand there looking slightly dazed.

At the moment, instead of looking forward to Xmas holidays for all the yummy food, sparkly lights and general merriment. I am just looking forward to the break and having some time to get my brain back on track and rejuvenate myself.

Now back to work, my cup of tea is getting cold. :)

*picture by Edward Monkton.

Not so perfect

Things are definitely on the up. which is good.

But there always seems to be something that rears its ugly head and brings you back down that wee bit.

Its something I thought I had sorted, and its a problem that's all in my head, which of course makes it all the more harder to overcome because its me, no one else that can sort it out. D helps all he can of course, and he is wonderful, but at the end of the day, I need to sort myself out.

Aaaaaanyway. Enough cryptic blogging.

Things are on the up, I cannot expect everything to fall into place perfectly overnight, and some things are going to take time and effort. I just need to stand up, grow up and take responsibility for myself and get my backside into gear.

Thankfully because things are on the up and things are seeming to be going in the right direction, it makes dealing with all the little problems so much easier. :)

Ch ch ch chaaaanges.

I seem to reaching a point in my life where big changes will be happening.

Yesterday my boss spoke to me about staring to take on some of the design work here at work. Which is fabulous, a great opportunity, and really what I have been after for the past 2plus years I have been working here.

It was quite unexpected as nothing has materialised in the past couple of years, and I'd almost given up hope of anything happening. We had a little chat, and I will speak to him again tomorrow about starting some training next week (it has been many many years sine I did any real graphic design work, and that was at college, so commercially I've technically done nowt!) With a bit of training here and there he seems to think it'll take about 6 months to get me fully up to speed.

Its quite an exciting prospect but also quite daunting. As I had kind of reserved myself to the fact it just wasn't going to happen, now the ball is actually been set in motion, its a bit scary!

But if you always ran from what scared you, nothing would be accomplished and I'd be stuck in a very sad and boring rut.

Hopefully this will make work much more enjoyable for me, will open up the possibility of more money, and eventually, when we do want to start a family, will make me going part time a much more viable option, even with the possibility of working from home for at least some of the time!

Basically this all adds up to the fact that in around 6 months, I shall be on track for a new job role, be married, and be turning 30...

So deep breath, and off into the great unknown*

*ok, great unknown is a touch melodramatic. Slightly unfamiliar would be more accurate!

This morning...

My Magic 8 Ball told me I should look for another job.

It also said I should not get off my backside and start making stuff to try and make a bit of extra cash, and that I would never be able to reduce my hours at work.

Not the answers I was looking for.

So, why when I wake up feeling so crappy, did I ask the magic 8 ball these questions? Because I am scared of the responsibility of doing it all myself I guess. What if it all goes wrong? There will be no one to blame but myself.

Yes, its grown up to take responsibility for your actions, but I don't want to be a grown up!

I have a crappy empty feeling inside me today. Perhaps its the weather, perhaps its because I'm tired. It could be 101 different things. One thing I do know, is that I'm completely and utterly fed up and I don't know how to shake the feeling.

And last week I was feeling so good!! bleurgh.

Bad blogger!

Almost 2 weeks since my last blog! Which I believe in the scheme of blogging makes me slightly bad!

its what has happened in the past too, I start then I forget/think 'I'll do that tomorrow'/say I'm too busy etc.

But this time I am back, I am not sure I'll ever be that person who comes online and updates daily. Perhaps when we have a good internet connection at home so I can update in the evenings. Perhaps when I get a folksy shop open that I will be online checking daily, maybe one day it will happen.

Mainly though I just don't think i have anything all that interesting to say on a day to day basis.

There are a couple of things I want to say about today though. firstly last night I made my first fabric flower, it was a practice for making the bouquets and button holes for our wedding.

It was frustrating. It took me ages. I had to unpick it numerous times. I stabbed myself with a needle. I broke my small sewing machine. I burnt my finger on the glue gun.

But. I finally did it, and it looks alright. for a first attempt at least! and next time I know what I need to do to make it easier.

Hoorah. In fact, it looks so alright, I think I am going to make it prettier with some sequins, and turn it into a broach to sell.

And the other thing. Well I have just been feeling different lately. Happier. More contented. I don't care that the carpet has stains on it and we can't afford laminate flooring, I don't care that we can't afford to re decorate! All in all its really not that bad, or that important. Yes one day I'd like my dream home, but it just wont happen now!

Its kinda odd, but very relieving and empowering. I still do get a pang of jealousy when I see things I want, but it isn't making me sad any more! I am actually pretty happy with my lot, and that feels good.

I think its partly because this weekend we rented the whole of Series 3 of Heroes, and just sat and watched it ALL day Sunday. Normally I am running round like a mad woman doing lots of things, but at the same time not really doing anything.

I was very agitated at first, finding things I could do while watching and things I could organise while on the sofa. After a while D told me to 'just stop it and relax', which i did, eventually.

And you know what, I think it was the most productive weekend I have had for ages. x